Day to celebrate

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary with this man.  He has been the most steady, reliable, encouraging, loving husband I could have ever hoped for.

I know this is a bit mushy but that's how I am a lot of  times with Greg.
Happy anniversary!  Let's do at least 29 more!

Friday factoids

I'm getting my hairs did today :)
But I almost went to the appointment 5 hours too early.  Don't you love middle age?

My daughter made bacon for me today.  So good.

I have started M. Scott Peck's "People of the lie."  Hard book and a big trigger if you have trauma.  It will be a good read but I don't think I'll be reading it at my usual speed.

I had the privilege of seeing Os Guinness and Ravi Zacharias speak last night.  Very thought-provoking and inspiring.  Also got to meet some really neat people.  Leah can't wait to be part of that world in a few years.

My anniversary is Sunday - 29 years!  And campmeeting starts also.  An even better way to start the 30th year, I think.  It is also the one year anniversary of the graveside service for my sister.  I think I will have made it full cycle through all the firsts.  Thank God.

And finally, my son is on Mt. Kilimanjaro as I type.  At midnight on June 20 (5 Pm today for us) they will make the final attempt to the Summit at 19,430 ft.  They expect about 1/3 of the boys will not make it up due to altitude sickness.  I pray they ALL make it.  He is coming home next Thursday from this once in a lifetime trip to Africa.  Can't wait to see him.   We all are missing Andrew right now.

Here's a picture before they headed out for Mission work at the Maasai Village where they dug the foundation for a kitchen.  Andrew of course isn't looking at the camera but he is sitting directly across from the boy who IS looking at the camera :)

Journaling

Occasionally, I journal.  Well, lately I am journaling on a daily basis.  I think it is really good for me as I process feelings, events, and the future.

I have mentioned before I was writing about the day I found out Natalie had died and all the details with it.  I have moved beyond that day and moved into our relationship and frankly, how I am feeling about all of this.  This journal is something I will never publicly share, but it helps me remember and then also focus on some of the specifics.  It has been very hard and very healing to type about this on a daily basis.  Being able to focus has been the biggest plus in the last week.  I have even come up with an action plan, which as a task-oriented person makes me feel like I am moving forward, instead of spinning in place.

I am no longer feeling rage but a healthy, righteous anger.  One that will propel me and will eventually dissipate.

I am currently reading a book by M. Scott Peck, "The Road Less Travelled."  It is a psychotherapy book and very academic.  I'm really enjoying it and relating a lot to the people and especially to the concepts.  The next book lined up is also by Peck, "People of the Lie."  I expect that one to be more taxing on me emotionally, but when it was mentioned to me, my ears perked up.

On a lighter note, I finished restoring some furniture for my daughter and it looks amazing.  I also packaged some rosemary from my yard we had allowed to dry.  So I also smell wonderful at the moment.  haha.  So if you were wondering if I were just lying around and being mopey - I'm not.  I'm actually really, really good and pretty happy.

Letter writing

So I've started (from the encouragement of a friend) a letter writing project to members of my family.  There are things which have been left unsaid because they left this earth before I had a chance to say them. I've considered it before and decided against it but an assignment is an assignment, so I did my homework.

Honestly, I struggle with this on a number of levels.  First, being in Heaven with Jesus really trumps looking down on us here below and checking out what we are doing.  I just think they are way too busy praising God and worshiping Jesus to care about our earthly problems. Second, letters need recipients and they aren't here to receive them.  Third, I'm really not into mysticism and the whole "send it into the universe" concept.

But, I've written the first letter.  It really is more of an essay and of course, I wrote a conclusion page.  Very collegiate.  My sociology professor would be proud.  It was very difficult to say some of the things that have been left unsaid for many years - and by "said" I mean write.  It was cleansing and cathartic and no one got hurt.  In fact, I am better now than I was two weeks ago.  I feel lighter and brighter and pretty, I feel pretty, .... oh sorry.  Maybe this isn't the place for Broadway tunes.

I'm not sure if some of what needed to be said could have been accomplished while they were alive.  I'm not really sure it would have gone over so well, so I suppressed a lot.  You know, that is really pretty crushing to an ego.  Suppressing things, that is.  I don't recommend it.  But I do recommend being honest whenever possible while still not hurting people.

To end: love the people you are with.  Be kind.  Be gentle.  Laugh a lot.  Show them how to love Jesus and to serve like Him. If we all did this, it would be a much better place on this earth we call home.

Natalie

This is my sister.  I post her picture because one year ago today was quite literally the worst day of my life, full of despair, anger, confusion, and sadness.  It was, unfortunately, a day I had predicted would come many years ago. 

One year ago today, it was discovered she had died in her locked bedroom several days before.  She did not commit suicide but she did probably die of a massive heart attack.  My father had to have the sheriff come and knock down the door.  She was very protective of her privacy - and with good reason.  I will not go into details about the condition of the house and especially her bedroom but it was bad.  Very bad.  I cannot take back seeing it.

Normally, when I blog I withhold details about events so know what I am saying is still very raw and it still hurts very much.  I loved Natalie so much.  Our childhood together was fun and lighthearted, but our differences became very obvious as we headed into our teenage years.  I worried about her health.  I worried about her not getting more education.  And that was only the surface.  I worried about her salvation.  She never wanted to talk about faith at all - so I am in the dark here.

So, here I am, a year later and still seeking answers.  Like Dr. Sheldon Cooper, I am a problem solver; it's what I do, but I can't solve for "x" or even quantify this situation.  Unlike the problems I love solving, I can't answer the question because I'm not really sure what I need to be asking.  It's exhausting and frustrating.

But - I am a Christian and I do not live as one without hope. I know I am one loved woman by our heavenly Father.  He is hearing my woes and letting me cry on his shoulder while He holds me in silence.  I am waiting for His voice, His words of comfort, the release that only He can give.  I know I am the one holding all of this up - that in truth He is waiting on me.  But I have great comfort in knowing I am not alone.

Lightening Up

Sometimes bloggers use their writing forums (our blogs) to think in writing.  It helps to clear our minds and we just choose to let the world in to share those thoughts.  Some bloggers write DIY tips (and thank you SO much - I am rehabbing furniture with my daughter right now) and some write their heartaches.  I'm in the heartache category - but I do sometimes write about celebrations.

DD and I are working on my making some old furniture new for her to use in her apartment once she is married in August.  We are learning the importance of stretching dollars and appreciating some of the free treasures found in life.  A bucket of paint can be a lot of fun. We also learned not to apply primer in front of a fan because it gets stringy and in your mother's hair.

My mother loved a good (or any) garage sale, so there were a lot of treasures and some junk in my house growing up.  Unfortunately, my parents were not very good at managing money - something I am very glad to not inherit - and garage sales were necessary.  I have only had one garage sale in my adult life and I pledged NEVER to do it again, but if someone else finds value in my left overs, perhaps I should.

I have learned some important lessons about "things":

• Don't accumulate them for the sake of having them.
• If you decide to replace something, get rid of the old thing.
• Things are way less important than people, and if that old thing you refuse to give up is getting in the way of a relationship, get rid of that old thing.
• There is a lot of value in repurposing some things but you can't repurpose people.  Don't try to make people what they aren't supposed to be.

So, today I am going to continue to try to make something beautiful out of someone's old junk.  It is a process, much like trying to find God's purpose in our lives. (Let me tell you:  it's not a secret.  Accept Jesus Christ and love God and each other.)  Sometimes it is messy, but it is always worth it. 

June 9, 2014

What I am writing is very personal and my way of processing this anniversary of Natalie's death. If this is going to bother you, please move on and don't comment.

The date on her death certificate and on the headstone says June 12, 2014.  That is the legal day my sister died.  However,  it is not the actual day.

Since no one was with her, we don't know for sure.  See, my dad was in the house.  Probably in the living room.  It was customary for her to be isolated in her locked bedroom.  Not unusual at all.
But it was the 12th when he called me, saying he hadn't seen her for a while - at least two days - and her car was in the carport.  So, she was found on the 12th and so that's what was put on the death certificate.

You may wonder how I know?  The police and coroner were called and acknowledged her death occurred several days before.  Other evidence made it undeniable.  I listened to two days worth of voice mail messages from my father begging her to open her door.  Looking for clues, I logged into her facebook account and read messages, comments, likes, activity logs - anything that may help me narrow down the why and the when.  Some of what I read hurt me to the core.

One thing I know for sure: it was an accident.  The other things I know for sure: it was not before 3:22 pm on the 9th.  It was after that when her activity on facebook stopped.  In my head and heart, I know it was when her heart stopped.  So I have the when. And I probably have the how if my theory of sudden heart failure is correct.  We didn't ask for an autopsy but it makes the most sense.

If you knew my sister, then you can suspect the why.  The why part of the question is so complex and multifaceted we may never get it answered.  It is kind of disturbing how much I ponder these things.  Maybe it isn't.  Maybe it's natural for me.  The why doesn't really deal with her death.  More with her life and how she lived it.

So here I am - almost a year later and no more answers than I had before.  The questions swirl in my head and my heart like an unending hurricane.  Sometimes I am in the eye and it is calm.  Sometimes I feel like the worst part is about to pass over me and sometimes I just want to see that rainbow.  I know there will be more storms in my life and peace usually follows.  But this storm is different and it keeps raging around me and somehow it is confining my unexpressed rage.  Maybe that surprises you - that I have rage.  Today has been the first day I've expressed my feelings as rage, but I guess that's what it is.

I am praying for the peace and I know it isn't within me.  I know it isn't within my own strength and power to summon up.  I know only God can give me that peace which passes all understanding and I know, without a doubt, it is there waiting on me.  So what am I waiting on?