It has been six weeks since my sister passed away, five since her life was celebrated in a beautiful service.
Finally, I think I know what normal will be like. I will be in frequent contact with my father, talking about his needs. I'll make more frequent trips to visit him. I will feel welcome in his home, where I did not before. Not because of him, but because of my sister.
I am not going to bash my sister. She is in a better place and nothing I can say will ever improve our relationship, but the truth was our relationship was clouded by her mistrust of me. Truth revealed to me over the last six weeks proved what I had suspected - we did not know each other. I did not know the secrets that dominated her life and she did not know my heart.
The questions I have make me wonder if I did my part in trying to help her. What did I do to make her not trust me with the truth? Am I feeling guilt? I don't think so. I think it is more regret and sadness over what could have been. But I do what I always do: pick up pieces and clean up the mess. What is left right now the Lord has given me the tools to manage and doesn't feel as overwhelming as it did June 12.
So what now? To quote a song I love:
"Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand.
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand."
And so blogosphere I sign off with this: I do not know how people live without hope in Jesus Christ. His death and life after death is what gives me assurance my Heavenly Father knows me, cares about me, and hears my prayers. When it is my turn to be in His presence, I know it will be something I did not deserve and could not earn. I will be there because HE wants me there. He wants you there, too. Believe. Confess your sin. (I have to daily.) Accept His forgiveness and grace. Be in relationship with Him. In the end, that is all which really matters.