It's times like this when I wonder.
I think about them and wonder if I did enough. Of course the answer is always no. I didn't. But on the other hand, if I had tried, the wedge between us would have grown. Double-edged sword. No matter what, someone bleeds.
I think about her last days and minutes. Was she in pain? Did she know? Did she suffer? Did she try to get help? Try to call out? My guess is it all went too fast. At least that is my prayer.
The wedge was large. Very large. I knew it was there but I didn't know how large it was. I had my suspicions - all confirmed after it was too late. And still the "if" weighs heavy on my heart.
If I had told her my concerns about her health.
If I had told her my suspicions about the house.
If I had expected truth.
If I had shown up unexpectedly.
In my heart, I know if I had followed through on all the "ifs", it would not have gone well. Not at all.
Really, our father was our only thing in common. We led very different lives. Different values. Different goals. Different.
I try not to let my wonderings gather the dust of regret and guilt. I try to shake it off but there is so much. So what about grief? I don't know if I can grieve her anymore. So much of who I thought she was turned out not to be true. So how do you grieve lies? Maybe that's the answer. I grieve who I do remember. I grieve the relationship I craved with both of them. But that truly is too late because they are gone and I am here.
'Where to go from here? I have my little family unit and family of in laws who love me. We are open and honest with each other. So, I think I don't go anywhere. I stay here where I am loved, trusted, and safe. I stay where I can feel the presence of God.
Still I'm sleepless tonight. I'm restless but I am also grateful and have hope for the future.