The Fall was my favorite season growing up.
It has Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving - or I did. It has beautiful colors and cooler weather. It has the anticipation of Christmas and my Savior's birth.
It is bittersweet.
It also had my mother's birthday. And her death day. It had my sister's birthday. And memories of childhood Thanksgivings with my cousins and grandmother's. Right now, I am in a season of memories, of melancholy.
Tomorrow my mother will have been in heaven 10 years. I know she has been happier there than she ever was here. She is with her family - she is with Jesus - she has music and life and love and light.
As I face the next weeks thinking of the upcoming birthdays, pray for my sorrow and grief. Pray that I can balance my time with the family I have with me, my work, and my first birthday in 45 years without my sister.
Mama and Natalie have been on my mind a lot the last week, and today has been difficult. Difficulty with a student in the last week and again today didn't help. Telling me to smile and get over it doesn't help. Telling me the Lord is with me doesn't help. I know He is there.
So, what do I need? I'm not sure, but please do not make me cry publicly. I hate that more than anything and if you love me, you know that.
I feel sad and blah and discouraged. So there's the honesty. The truth I hide behind responsibility and an exterior emotional toughness. The truth I would change if I could.