Monday, February 6, 2017

My life is...

... over.  That's what my father said trying to communicate with a relative that he is done trying to be alive.  Really what he is trying to say is he is too tired and his body is too worn out to continue living as he has been.  He is ready for everlasting life. As jolting as those were to my heart, I know it is true.  He has told me, "I like this current arrangement," meaning he likes just sleeping when he wants to and no one bothering with him to do therapy or make him eat.  The people at the nursing home thinks he should eat - he just doesn't want it.

So - in comes hospice who says he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to - and that has been a relief.  Medication has been drastically reduced.  He drinks Coke if he wants it or nothing at all.

Since he moved he has been noticeably more relaxed and more comfortable talking about memories and what comes next - Heaven.  We haven't directly addressed Heaven yet, but I know it is coming, and he is ready to go.  There was a significant decline between Saturday and Sunday.

It has made me think about what my life is right now.

.... busy.  I've been doing a job and a half and trying to manage my dad's care.  The half job at school is blessedly finished (although it was great fun) and I no longer have to manage his care.  I am trying to get all the business stuff handled so we don't have to do it later.

.... peaceful. Since we made the hospice decision, I no longer feel I must push him to try to be better and he is no longer fighting me or trying to make me happy.

.... melancholy.  I am naturally a ponderer and tend towards the melancholy - liking rainy days and all.  But I realize at almost 50 years old, I no longer have a sibling and will soon be without both my parents. We were never really close but it sounds like a lonely place to be.  I'm okay with being alone - lonely is something entirely different.

.... grateful.  I have a wonderful husband who is helping me in all sorts of quiet and loving ways and makes sure I eat before I get "hangry." I have friends who check in with me regularly.  I have the hope of salvation and eternity with Jesus Christ.

.... exhausted.  See the busy statement.  Plus I'm not sleeping very well these days, and when I do sleep, I do not feel rested.  I dream about my phone ringing a lot - very irritating.

So that's the state of things - in a nutshell.

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