Give me Joy!

Today's sermon was on the fruit of the Spirit, joy. Honestly, this fruit is the one that I have struggled with most in my life. At least the outward expression of joy. Other people say self-control, patience... and I do struggle with those as well, but with self-control and patience I KNOW the response I am supposed to have to work on those things.

By nature, I am an introvert, meaning I feel more energized if I am able to be alone. Only then can I truly give myself to other people.

Thinking about it today, I consider those moments when people tell me I look sad or angry or upset or whatever and remember that in some of those moments I am actually very happy, even joyful but do not have the outward expression that some might associate with joyfulness.

I read scripture and sing songs about joy. When you have Christ in your life, how can you not be joyful? But if you feel it inside, but do not show it outside, what does that mean? I don't know - that's why I ask the question.

At this time in my life, I am completely surrendered to God. A year ago I submitted in obedience and blessings are being poured out upon my head. My cup truly overflows. But it is not easy for me to express in exuberant, joyful terms how this makes me feel. I have never been one to wave my arms around and yell, "Hey look at my joyfulness." That's just not me.

So how do I express joy? I think this is something I have to work on. I think this is a growing edge for me, outside my comfort zone. Those who know me best can see the joy. Those who don't know me at all may think I am a melancholy type of person.

It's time for me to get off of the fence and decide how to express the joy I feel inside. Because until I do I think my witness is not as strong as it can be.

How do you show your joy?

A gift from God

I can hardly believe it has been 15 years since we first met. Although you and I were very familiar with each other for a few months. I had dreamed about you for years, your name selected before your conception. God had placed you on my heart.

Then you were here. Your Daddy got you first and I watched as you fell in love with him. Daddy's should always be the first love of a little girl. Your perfectly round head... the little bunch of blonde curls on the back of it... the little yellow dress you wore home. Your squeaky little first cry which made us laugh and wonder what in the world we were going to do with this baby. We marvelled at how much of a beloved and missed family member you resembled. He would have been proud, you know.

Most babies lose weight the first week after birth. Not you. You were all business when it came to eating. You still are. Using a spoon came before walking and a goldfish cracker could solve any problem. It still does.

God has placed a special call upon your heart. Seek Him still and he will let you know in time where you will end up.

I love you very much,
Mommy

He is Risen!

I love Easter for as long as I can remember.
My mother was a music director so I remember many choir practices and sun rise services at the cemetary. I remember my cousin hiding our eggs over and over until she refused to hide them any more. I remember having chicken pox one year. Oh that year was fun. not.

I remember my senior year of high school and Easter was very sad. Very. Sad. I'll tell you why some time but not now. And the next several Easters were sad for me too. Then in 1993 about two weeks before Easter I had a beautiful little baby girl - that was a very happy Easter.

And I realized that I am writing in very choppy sentences... I can't help it - I'm a math teacher. But back to the story.

Back a few years ago, I began taking a journey during Lent. God took me on sometimes painful journeys, helping me to discover the woman He wants me to be. It has been eye-opening and healing. Sometimes I was in the wilderness, sometimes I was experiencing the dark night of the soul, sometimes it was heart-wrenching, but always it was meaningful. But the last two years, it has been something different. Something unexpected and wonderful. Something I have always longed for. I feel JOY.

Now if you know me, you know I can belly laugh. But you also know that I struggle with being joyful. This Easter I am joyful. The only pain I feel is in my face after all the singing today, but I knew that would happen. I have a deep, heart-lightening, resounding joy in God today.

Anyway, I wanted to share that. I hope you are having a blessed Easter. As for me... I'm working Calculus problems. :)