Yeah.... but

My DH used to tell me my favorite word was "yeahbut", which meant I was about to argue with him about whatever point he was trying to make. Sometimes I was right. Sometimes he was. YES I CAN ADMIT I AM WRONG ON RARE OCCASIONS!

Well... today has been internet-less because DH's wonderful IT people were sending updates and it messed with our modem although it SAID we were CONNECTED. He is away and tells me to reset the modem. It takes 15 seconds. I saw that's not the problem... he says what if it is and at least I did everything I could. I say "Yeah... but". He says to quit arguing and just do it. Well... I'm updating my blog. He was right. Darn it. And YAY because I'm connected. Darn it.

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I shared on my fb a piece of my testimony that included a precious memory of my Aunt E. I loved her and I miss her. She died the month after I graduated from high school. She was dying of brain cancer and was having trouble remembering anything. Her name. Our names. She had a little eraser with a lion on it that said, "I'm a king's kid." She looked at us right before her surgery and said to us, "I may not remember my name. I may not remember who you are, but I'm the king's kid and that's all that matters." Then she placed that eraser on HER HEAD where that tumor was. I never knew what happened to that eraser, but my sister recently read that note I wrote... and I didn't know it.

So, my dad came to visit and said N. has a present for you. It was a camo Georgia Bulldogs purse - very cute indeed. And my DD started getting texted by my sis. DD keeps saying to look in the purse and see how much space it has. We kind of wrestled over it because I just KNEW she wanted it for herself. So we look in the very roomy bag and there is an unmarked envelope. When I opened it there was a very old eraser with a lion and the remains of the words "I'm a king's kid." I was speechless. So I called me sister and asked where she found it. She said after reading my note she was a puddle of tears and set about finding that eraser - our mother saved EVERYTHING. She couldn't find it. Then early this week she needed something out of an old desk of my dad's. She looked in and that eraser was staring back up at her.

It is probably one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received. And when I remember all the times I told God "yeah.... but" I will look at this eraser that I have not seen in 23 years. And I will surrender.

Give me Joy!

Today's sermon was on the fruit of the Spirit, joy. Honestly, this fruit is the one that I have struggled with most in my life. At least the outward expression of joy. Other people say self-control, patience... and I do struggle with those as well, but with self-control and patience I KNOW the response I am supposed to have to work on those things.

By nature, I am an introvert, meaning I feel more energized if I am able to be alone. Only then can I truly give myself to other people.

Thinking about it today, I consider those moments when people tell me I look sad or angry or upset or whatever and remember that in some of those moments I am actually very happy, even joyful but do not have the outward expression that some might associate with joyfulness.

I read scripture and sing songs about joy. When you have Christ in your life, how can you not be joyful? But if you feel it inside, but do not show it outside, what does that mean? I don't know - that's why I ask the question.

At this time in my life, I am completely surrendered to God. A year ago I submitted in obedience and blessings are being poured out upon my head. My cup truly overflows. But it is not easy for me to express in exuberant, joyful terms how this makes me feel. I have never been one to wave my arms around and yell, "Hey look at my joyfulness." That's just not me.

So how do I express joy? I think this is something I have to work on. I think this is a growing edge for me, outside my comfort zone. Those who know me best can see the joy. Those who don't know me at all may think I am a melancholy type of person.

It's time for me to get off of the fence and decide how to express the joy I feel inside. Because until I do I think my witness is not as strong as it can be.

How do you show your joy?

Reconciliation?

Dear friend,

Peace be with you. I understand that you are in turmoil and I want to help you.

I understand that you feel betrayed by someone you love. I have been there. This all started with a misunderstanding and a conversation which was shared with me. Know this - more than one person shared this conversation with me on that day. I completely understand how you feel. Since I and my daughter were the topic of your conversation, we also felt betrayed. I personally felt that you did not believe us or the person who defended us. So, in a sense, we are going through the same thing.

Tonight God revealed to me that I had not forgiven you for that conversation, but rather wished it away, and that I was at fault for not talking with you about it immediately. He revealed to me that I was angry in a very unhealthy way - a way that was robbing me of joy. He revealed to me that we need to forgive each other. So I am asking you to forgive me.

As for the change in my daughter, she has made some decisions recently as a result of that event. These are God-led decisions and while you do not understand them, please know they do not mean she loves you any less. She needed to do this for her.

I am praying for you and that peace will surround your life and that of your family.

Blessings,
me