A Reminder

This morning I opened my YouVersion app to the daily Bible verse to find Romans 8:37: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

I have been clinging to Romans 8:26: "In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for but the Spirit intercedes for us through wordless groans." Honestly in the struggle with my prayer life lately, those words gave me comfort and peace, knowing that God knows.  Really knows.

So today I have decided to re-read in between those two verses:

 "And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

I'm just going to leave that for today.  It pretty much says it all.

Pop

The bubble burst last night in spectacular form.  Goodbye happy place.
I was reminded that I still needed to forgive regardless of how hurt I am.

Let it go.

Jesus hung on a cross and forgave. In his human weakness on that cross, He was still God. Those who crucified him did not know what they did.  Zacchaeus made amends to those he wronged.  In my human selfishness I want amends to be made. What is wrong with that?

*****Edited: I just had a talk with a wise friend who has an amazing capacity to forgive about what it means to forgive.  To forgive is to cancel debt and not expect repayment.  It does not cancel feelings or pain or anger.  Those will fade in time.  It cancels the expectation of anything in response to the debt that was owed.  And it is between me and God.

It's bubbling, bubbling in my soul

As I think about how joyful (yes I actually said joyful) this day has been, I cannot ignore the shadow of knowing this is the day of Natalie’s graveside service.  But this post is not about her - it's about me.

I’ve been having serious voice troubles and having figured out why my voice is now restored.  No, it wasn’t psychosomatic – it was physical and is now being properly treated.  So I was able to really sing today without any pain or discomfort and had so much fun doing it.  To me – that is a reason to be joyful.

I have been married for 29 years to a wonderful wonderful man.  God has blessed me.  That is a reason to be joyful.

My son made it to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro.  Those are all reasons to be joyful.

I have felt a very large release in feeling some obligation for my sister.  The weight which is dissipating, for it is not yet gone, does not feel like it is weighing me down.   I think I am now able to let go of some of this baggage.  That is a reason to be joyful.

I don’t know when it hit me today that I was feeling more than happiness – it is a deep bubbling joy.  I haven’t felt that very often in my life but it is so welcome.  So welcome.  So overwhelming.  I have so much to be thankful for.

I’m going to think about the joy today and enjoy it.  I know the doubts and sadness will come back for grief is a process, but for now, I want to ride the wave of joy given to me today by the Holy Spirit.

Day to celebrate

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary with this man.  He has been the most steady, reliable, encouraging, loving husband I could have ever hoped for.

I know this is a bit mushy but that's how I am a lot of  times with Greg.
Happy anniversary!  Let's do at least 29 more!

Friday factoids

I'm getting my hairs did today :)
But I almost went to the appointment 5 hours too early.  Don't you love middle age?

My daughter made bacon for me today.  So good.

I have started M. Scott Peck's "People of the lie."  Hard book and a big trigger if you have trauma.  It will be a good read but I don't think I'll be reading it at my usual speed.

I had the privilege of seeing Os Guinness and Ravi Zacharias speak last night.  Very thought-provoking and inspiring.  Also got to meet some really neat people.  Leah can't wait to be part of that world in a few years.

My anniversary is Sunday - 29 years!  And campmeeting starts also.  An even better way to start the 30th year, I think.  It is also the one year anniversary of the graveside service for my sister.  I think I will have made it full cycle through all the firsts.  Thank God.

And finally, my son is on Mt. Kilimanjaro as I type.  At midnight on June 20 (5 Pm today for us) they will make the final attempt to the Summit at 19,430 ft.  They expect about 1/3 of the boys will not make it up due to altitude sickness.  I pray they ALL make it.  He is coming home next Thursday from this once in a lifetime trip to Africa.  Can't wait to see him.   We all are missing Andrew right now.

Here's a picture before they headed out for Mission work at the Maasai Village where they dug the foundation for a kitchen.  Andrew of course isn't looking at the camera but he is sitting directly across from the boy who IS looking at the camera :)

Journaling

Occasionally, I journal.  Well, lately I am journaling on a daily basis.  I think it is really good for me as I process feelings, events, and the future.

I have mentioned before I was writing about the day I found out Natalie had died and all the details with it.  I have moved beyond that day and moved into our relationship and frankly, how I am feeling about all of this.  This journal is something I will never publicly share, but it helps me remember and then also focus on some of the specifics.  It has been very hard and very healing to type about this on a daily basis.  Being able to focus has been the biggest plus in the last week.  I have even come up with an action plan, which as a task-oriented person makes me feel like I am moving forward, instead of spinning in place.

I am no longer feeling rage but a healthy, righteous anger.  One that will propel me and will eventually dissipate.

I am currently reading a book by M. Scott Peck, "The Road Less Travelled."  It is a psychotherapy book and very academic.  I'm really enjoying it and relating a lot to the people and especially to the concepts.  The next book lined up is also by Peck, "People of the Lie."  I expect that one to be more taxing on me emotionally, but when it was mentioned to me, my ears perked up.

On a lighter note, I finished restoring some furniture for my daughter and it looks amazing.  I also packaged some rosemary from my yard we had allowed to dry.  So I also smell wonderful at the moment.  haha.  So if you were wondering if I were just lying around and being mopey - I'm not.  I'm actually really, really good and pretty happy.

Letter writing

So I've started (from the encouragement of a friend) a letter writing project to members of my family.  There are things which have been left unsaid because they left this earth before I had a chance to say them. I've considered it before and decided against it but an assignment is an assignment, so I did my homework.

Honestly, I struggle with this on a number of levels.  First, being in Heaven with Jesus really trumps looking down on us here below and checking out what we are doing.  I just think they are way too busy praising God and worshiping Jesus to care about our earthly problems. Second, letters need recipients and they aren't here to receive them.  Third, I'm really not into mysticism and the whole "send it into the universe" concept.

But, I've written the first letter.  It really is more of an essay and of course, I wrote a conclusion page.  Very collegiate.  My sociology professor would be proud.  It was very difficult to say some of the things that have been left unsaid for many years - and by "said" I mean write.  It was cleansing and cathartic and no one got hurt.  In fact, I am better now than I was two weeks ago.  I feel lighter and brighter and pretty, I feel pretty, .... oh sorry.  Maybe this isn't the place for Broadway tunes.

I'm not sure if some of what needed to be said could have been accomplished while they were alive.  I'm not really sure it would have gone over so well, so I suppressed a lot.  You know, that is really pretty crushing to an ego.  Suppressing things, that is.  I don't recommend it.  But I do recommend being honest whenever possible while still not hurting people.

To end: love the people you are with.  Be kind.  Be gentle.  Laugh a lot.  Show them how to love Jesus and to serve like Him. If we all did this, it would be a much better place on this earth we call home.