This is my sister. I post her picture because one year ago today was quite literally the worst day of my life, full of despair, anger, confusion, and sadness. It was, unfortunately, a day I had predicted would come many years ago.
One year ago today, it was discovered she had died in her locked bedroom several days before. She did not commit suicide but she did probably die of a massive heart attack. My father had to have the sheriff come and knock down the door. She was very protective of her privacy - and with good reason. I will not go into details about the condition of the house and especially her bedroom but it was bad. Very bad. I cannot take back seeing it.
Normally, when I blog I withhold details about events so know what I am saying is still very raw and it still hurts very much. I loved Natalie so much. Our childhood together was fun and lighthearted, but our differences became very obvious as we headed into our teenage years. I worried about her health. I worried about her not getting more education. And that was only the surface. I worried about her salvation. She never wanted to talk about faith at all - so I am in the dark here.
So, here I am, a year later and still seeking answers. Like Dr. Sheldon Cooper, I am a problem solver; it's what I do, but I can't solve for "x" or even quantify this situation. Unlike the problems I love solving, I can't answer the question because I'm not really sure what I need to be asking. It's exhausting and frustrating.
But - I am a Christian and I do not live as one without hope. I know I am one loved woman by our heavenly Father. He is hearing my woes and letting me cry on his shoulder while He holds me in silence. I am waiting for His voice, His words of comfort, the release that only He can give. I know I am the one holding all of this up - that in truth He is waiting on me. But I have great comfort in knowing I am not alone.